Men, Are You Passing This Test?

In the process of becoming the men they’ve always wanted to be, some men deal with what seems to be an extremely tough choice. It’s the choice between choosing (or continuing) what they are called to do such as start a business, pursue a new line of work or a vocation they are passionate about, (which no doubt carries risk), versus playing it safe at the behest of their wives who, rightly so, worry more about security and how it will affect their future together.

To really understand what’s going on here, it’s important not to demonize either party but to key in on one of the biggest differences in the sexes: task accomplishment vs. relationship orientation. As men, we are naturally hard-wired for task accomplishment, leadership, for going forward toward a goal, for the hunt, if you will – identifying the prey and pursuing it until it is killed in order to provide for (or protect) the family or tribe. In general, men are more risk-oriented.

Women, on the other hand, are more naturally hard-wired as nurturers and inclusive relationship builders. The importance of relationships and intimacy make women more security-oriented (in general). In our modern times these lines are not as deeply drawn as they once were but it’s important not to forget this very significant natural difference, especially when it comes to the friction that can evolve between a couple when building a life together.

Let’s look at a fictitious example (although it’s a very real scenario I hear about all the time). Take Jim, who is very unsatisfied at work; he starts a business based on his expertise, that has real purpose and meaning for him. At the end of the first year he’s in the red with the couple’s savings account rapidly dwindling. He believes in his abilities and his business (as does his wife) but she’s now quite worried and starts to urge him to go back to his old job. As the weeks pass, Jim’s wife, in her very real need for security, starts to undermine Jim’s confidence by making cutting remarks, pulling away and constantly reminding him that no money is coming in. What should Jim do?

Today many feel it’s correct to say that Jim should agree with his wife – after all she means the world to him right? So he should close up shop and beg for his old job back plus the security that goes with that. And even though that will solve the money issue for a time and may seem like the right decision, it’s absolutely worst decision he could make.

Here’s why: by not taking the lead and allowing his wife to undermine his goal, his mission in life, he has dealt both himself and their relationship a deathblow. Jim guts his business and reverts to being safe and bored – essentially a man with no personal mission. If it stays like this, then over the months and years ahead he will become a mere shadow of the man he could’ve been. His wife will wonder what happened to the motivated, fearless man she married and why the attraction between them seems to have dried up.

Why does this happen? It happens because a man without a personal mission becomes useless to himself, his wife and to society. Men, think about what your grandfather would have done in Jim’s scenario – he would have told your grandmother to mind her own business and gotten on with building his empire, because that’s what men do, no questions asked. And if he failed he’d start again because, above all, men need an outside purpose for their lives. Yes there would be lean times, but he would make it work and ensure his wife and the kids were taken care of.

Looking more closely at our example, essentially what’s happening is that Jim’s wife is testing him and his commitment to his purpose. Just as the outside world will surely test him, his wife is unknowingly testing him to make him stronger so he can succeed in the outside world.

The problem has become that in our current society, we seem to have forgotten that masculinity is all about finding the right direction and taking the lead. It’s about overcoming obstacles and challenges inside yourself such as bad habits, laziness, addictions, as well as those outside of yourself such as others trying to knock you off your personal mission.

Masculinity (and being a good husband) is not about giving in to relieve the stress and make your wife feel good temporarily, or to be a nice guy and cater to her fears – that will eventually undermine your relationship. The real test of masculinity is about staying true to your personal mission and going through the fire so you come out the other side a stronger, better man, leader and husband. By doing that, your wife will know she can trust you and believe in you on the deepest level.

As a man, your only purpose in life is to find your personal mission and not be swayed from it. When you are truly aligned with your personal mission, then you’ll be a man on fire and consequently, your wife (and the rest of the world) will receive all the gifts that come from that like your true presence, your true love and true security. Don’t fail the test.

Leave me your comments and thoughts on this post below. Cheers.

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