In this area of life coaching for men (and the business coaching I do too, for that matter), all of what we as men accomplish or change in our lives, comes down to what we believe and what we do. Our values and our actions.
I came across something recently that nicely reminded of this when reading Gretchen Rubin’s great blog called The Happiness Project. In the sidebar of her blog she has two very interesting lists: Twelve Personal Commandments and Four Splendid Truths. They are really good and very personal to Gretchen, as they should be. And they got me thinking about the code that I live by and what I really, really believe to be true. It’s a worthwhile thing to reflect on.
About ten years ago, I sat down with my men’s group and we hashed out what became known as our Code of Honor – a set of commandments to guide our behavior and to live our lives by. I thought it was cool and noble sounding and probably wouldn’t last the month. But much to my surprise, this code has had a huge impact on how I live on a day-to-day basis – and I believe it’s made me a much better man. What this code has done is given me an anchor (or rather a set of anchors) that I can rely on in any situation so that I’m being the man I want to be. And not only does that really work for me and feel great, but it also lifts a lot of weight off my shoulders. Whew.
I know many of you are thinking of, or are in the midst of, some pretty big life changes. From experience I can say unequivocally that having a defined code to live by helps enormously. It provides stability during change – like you have a series of lighthouses in a storm that guide you to safety. You know what to do in new situations, how to treat people, and how to train them to treat you. If you’re interested in defining something like this for yourself, then here are a few things I’ve learned that may help:
1) Define what’s right for you, not for others; you have to live with it.
2) Make your code (or commandments or whatever the hell you call them) aspirational. They are going to help you be the man you want to be, so have that in mind when you create them. Don’t be afraid to stretch, in fact you must stretch.
3) Put your code in writing and keep it in places you’ll see it often. Commit it to memory and repeat it often. Even after all these years I still have a card in my wallet with my men’s group code of honor on it.
4) Commit to live it or don’t waste your time, just stop now. It’s also up to you whether you keep it private or make it public.
My wife doesn’t know our code. My family and friends don’t know our code. Only the other men in the group know our code. But everyone sees how I act and react in my life (or at least try to) on a daily basis and that is enough. Actions trump talk every day of the week.
Now it’s your turn. Let me know below if you live by a code or set of principles. Don’t share them if they’re private but I’d love to know how you came to have them and how they’ve helped you. Cheers.
Having a code is great. You are setting standards for yourself. Without standards it is very hard to judge where you are personaly. Its not as easy to tell when you are slipping.
Thanks for your thoughts Tim and well said. I totally agree that a code helps me tell when I’m slipping and not being the man I want to be. Cheers brother.